


Looking Back, Seeing Far

by innerslytherin



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-15
Updated: 2010-01-15
Packaged: 2017-10-06 08:04:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innerslytherin/pseuds/innerslytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one seems to notice that Lupin is withdrawing--no one, that is, but Severus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking Back, Seeing Far

**Author's Note:**

> Although this is set after OotP, the events of HBP are somewhat altered. Title and a line at the end from Dar Williams' song "You're Aging Well".

Lupin looked old.

It wasn't the silver in his hair, Severus decided. That had always made him look distinguished, and after studying the werewolf in the flickering firelight, Severus thought it still did. It wasn't the fine lines beside his eyes, either; Severus had grown to believe those were a testament to the man's fine sense of humour. It wasn't the limp the man had acquired in his recent encounter with Bellatrix, either. _That_ made Severus angry, for reasons Severus himself couldn't quite explain.

When had it happened, he wondered. How had the calm, unassuming, friendly werewolf aged so suddenly? He always seemed so amiable and kind, so eager to help, even if only by offering a cup of tea and quiet company. Those warm, inviting brown eyes had seemed dimmer somehow, lately, the polite smile not quite reaching them.

Severus frowned at the fire, feeling the weight of the goblet in his hand and wishing suddenly that he hadn't come here with the Wolfsbane. An obscure sense of guilt made him think he should have come for some other reason--for no reason at all.

Lupin stirred, waking. "Oh, Severus." His hoarse voice was subdued but welcoming.

Drawing in a breath, Severus turned. "I brought your potion." He felt instantly as if he shouldn't have explained. His chest ached.

That polite smile slid onto Lupin's face. "Thank you. You're very kind."

Severus snorted. "That's hardly the word I would think to apply to myself."

"No?" Lupin cocked his head and studied Severus, a tiny spark of _something_ coming into his gaze. After a moment he shrugged. "Perhaps not. Nevertheless, I'm grateful."

Severus nodded and accepted the goblet back. "I'll be back tomorrow."

Lupin's gaze lowered to his hands, now folded in his lap. "I look forward to it."

 

*******

 

Perhaps it had happened after Black's death. It seemed impossible that Severus hadn't noticed for nearly six months, though. Of course Lupin had taken the man's death extraordinarily well, but then, he'd had long years of practice at losing everyone important to him. Severus wondered if he'd ever talked to anyone about it.

Not that Severus would be the person he would turn to, of course. Severus had hated Black far too much to be sympathetic about the man's death, but did Lupin even _have_ anyone to turn to? Potter was far too self-centred to think about what his godfather's best friend might be going through. Molly Weasley had made it clear how she felt about Black. Miss Tonks was taking her cousin's death in the typically melodramatic fashion of the young. Albus cared nothing for anyone but Potter. Had anyone at all thought to make certain Lupin was mourning Black properly?

Lupin was in the kitchen of number twelve, Grimmauld Place, when Severus arrived. The werewolf was limping around making a pot of tea. He looked up with that damnably polite smile when he heard Severus coming down the stairs.

"Hello, Severus. Classes over for the day?"

Severus gave a curt nod and held out the goblet of Wolfsbane. "I had no detentions to supervise, for a change," he heard himself say, as if he needed an excuse for coming here directly following classes.

"That must be a nice surprise."

It was such a relief to see that spark of humour in the werewolf's eyes that for a moment it didn't register that he was making fun of Severus. Severus' lack of reaction must have surprised Lupin, but he just watched Severus.

As the silence drew out, Severus reached into the pocket of his robes. "I brought some shortbread biscuits from the house-elves. They should go well with your tea." He placed the packet on the tea tray and began to turn.

"Severus, wait." Lupin placed a hand on his elbow. "Will you join me for tea?"

Severus considered it. But Lupin wouldn't want his pity. They were alike in that way, as well as others. "Thank you, no."

Lupin's eyes narrowed a little as he studied Severus, but he nodded. "All right."

 

*******

 

Severus couldn't find Lupin when he arrived with the potion the next day. He prowled the gloomy house, looking for him, until he heard a shower going on the second floor. It occurred to him suddenly that he had come after dinner, several hours later than usual. Lupin must be preparing for bed.

After a minute's deliberation, Severus found a bedroom full of books where Lupin's familiar shabby robes were draped over a chair. He placed the steaming goblet on the bedside table, watched the curls of mist rising in the air for a moment, and whispered the words of a heating charm.

He let himself out just as the water shut off upstairs.

 

*******

 

He found himself thinking of Lupin at the oddest moments.

When Neville Longbottom was caught by surprise on one of the moving staircases and tumbled down it, breaking his wrist, Severus nearly snarled for him to be more careful--and thought of the way Lupin limped now, the careful way he moved. And Severus performed a splinting charm and looked around for the red-headed girl. "Weasley. Help him to the Hospital Wing."

In his NEWT-level potions class, when Granger waved her hand in the air, desperate to be called on, Severus turned his gaze towards Malfoy--and then he thought of how no one had noticed Lupin was fading into himself, and remembered the small, tidy handwriting of the analyses Lupin sent of Order intelligence. So he heard Granger's answer and surprised everyone by saying, "Five points to Gryffindor."

This must be some form of madness.

 

*******

 

The Headmaster was wearing ridiculous purple robes and a matching hat when he showed up outside the Potions office. "Severus, may I have a few moments of your time?" He clasped his hands together and Severus glanced down at them automatically to make certain his Stoppering of Death was still effective.

"A very few," Severus said grudgingly. "I was about to take Lupin his potion."

Dumbledore smiled absently at him. "My boy, are you...quite well?"

It wasn't at all what Severus had been expecting. He blinked at the Headmaster.

"I have heard several people remarking upon your behaviour," Dumbledore explained. "I simply wanted to be certain all is well."

"All is well?" Severus repeated incredulously. "Headmaster, _nothing_ is well! Have you looked around you lately? The Dark Lord is encroaching upon both the Ministry and the Muggle world, and Minister Scrimgeour takes all the wrong steps! Potter is no better at Occlumency than he was at this time last year, when I hadn't even begun his lessons! And in case you hadn't noticed, your _pet werewolf_ is busy wasting away to nothing in that mausoleum you call Headquarters!"

Dumbledore's gaze sharpened on Severus' face. "Ah." He turned to stare at Severus' fire for a long time. Finally he turned back, a faint smile on his face. "Perhaps you can do something about one of those situations."

Severus opened his mouth to demand how, exactly, the Headmaster expected him to do so, but Dumbledore simply smiled at him again and left.

Severus was left staring down at the goblet in his hand.

 

*******

 

Lupin was in the library again, a book open and ignored on his lap. His reading glasses were held loosely in the hand that massaged the bridge of his nose. He must not have heard the sound of the door, because he didn't look up when Severus entered the room.

Severus stared at the silver scattered through the tawny hair and felt something twist in his chest. Was the werewolf willing himself out of existence? Was he just exhausted? Why did he stay here all alone, in this house that was, with the exception of this room, such a collection of horrors?

"Hello, Severus."

He startled to attention and discovered Lupin's honey-brown eyes were fixed on his. His mouth went dry. There was a spark in those eyes again. The werewolf's lips were curled in a bemused smile, his attention focused entirely on Severus.

"I brought your potion," Severus said. But instead of holding out the goblet, he sat in the chair by Lupin's. "And I brought chocolate."

The spark in Lupin's eyes ignited, and the corners of those eyes crinkled in a smile, and something swelled in Severus' chest.

"Will you share it with me?" Lupin asked, his voice soft.

Severus considered his answer for a moment. "I should like that."

Lupin's smile spread across his entire face.

 

*******

 

The clock in the downstairs hall struck half-seven. Lupin set his teacup aside and looked at Severus. His expression seemed regretful.

"You really should go, Severus. The moon will be rising in about an hour." His lips quirked in another smile, and Severus reflected that Lupin had smiled more tonight than he remembered seeing in the past fortnight. "I've enjoyed your company a great deal."

Severus frowned down at his teacup. He felt no desire whatsoever to leave. He knew he should; for one thing, it would be presumptuous of him to ask if he could stay. A man as self-contained and private as Lupin would consider the Transformation something to be done alone. It wasn't Severus' place to witness that. But he found himself wishing, suddenly, that it was. After tonight Severus would have no excuse to come back for another three weeks. He still remembered the guilt of never visiting without the Wolfsbane potion...but it still felt safer if he had an excuse.

"I'm so glad we finally made it here," Lupin said, when Severus' silence continued.

Severus' gaze swung up to Lupin's face. The other man's expression was very nearly open. "Here?" Severus murmured.

Lupin gestured at the two of them, and then at the library, or perhaps the tea service and the fire, or perhaps the entire situation. Severus realised that he didn't really care; he knew, somehow, what Lupin meant, and he felt the same.

He finished his tea and stood. "I'll see you tomorrow."

The joy that lit Lupin's face was beyond what Severus had hoped for. He allowed his own gaze to warm, his lips quirking slightly in something that was, just barely, almost a smile.


End file.
